The Antidote to FOMO

It’s that time of the week again. It’s time to get picked for teams. Jamie, Billy, Aaron, Pete… Braden. Nothing’s change, always the last one. No one wants a kid from a broken family. No one wants that tinge of sadness. This is high school after all, it should be all horniness, happiness and anger. No one wants sad or quiet.

Nothing wrong with sad or quiet. At least that’s what the books and internet say. It’s important to embrace who you really are, said a self-help website. We are all unique beings and the only person great at being you is you , said a self-help book. Then, why does being alone still hurt ? How can we all be unique but belong ?

At least, it’s not high school anymore. It’s the real world. I have grown up. I have read the books, ci have friends, I have a loving fiancé. But that lonely kid, the kid that stays in a corner, alone, reading his book doesn’t go away.

Some nights or days, that kids comes back again. He comes and tell me that I should do more to fit in. Smile more, even on days when I don’t feel like it. He reminds me that if I don’t conform, I’ll be alone again. So, I do. I go about my day, smiling more with a hint of darkness behind my teeth.

Do you want to go for a drink after work ? Yes. Do you want to go to this party ? Definitely. Do you want to organize a team event? Of course! Bit by bit, I fit in more. I belong now. I have people that want me. But why can’t I hear what they are saying ? Will they still want me if I stop smiling ? Why am I still alone ?

It’s simple. I have lost myself to the blob. The blob that is the people pleasers. The blob consumes all. The blob is eternal happiness, there is no sadness there. At least none that is visible. After all, that’s what we all want right ? To never be sad again ? To always smile ?

Well I don’t. If that is the price of belonging, I refuse to pay it. I refuse to conform.

Sadness is not a bad thing. The darkness is comforting. It’s important to venture into the light once in a while but the grayness where it’s not so dark but it’s not so bright is where I belong.

Perhaps it’s where you do too ?